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20 Frisky Whiskies

by Momus

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1.
Murder in the village, Sir Roger’s driving in Suspicion points the finger at irascible Miss Pym But she’s a red herring, and so is Mr Pool The handyman and janitor who creeps around the school There is no bigger picture, no close analysis The English have no theory, they just celebrate what is There is no corpse in evidence, there’s just a sneaking cringe And what it is is what it is and that will never change Murder in the village, the investigation plods along Is anything more English than dying on the lawn? Mustn’t grumble, I suppose, we’d better carry on Murdering and murdering ’til everybody’s gone Murder in the village, everyone’s to blame The victim and the murderer are one and the same The villagers are done to death, the vicar’s in the ditch But lo, here comes Sir Roger now, with slow Inspector Inch Sir Roger blames the gypsies encamped down in the trench Inspector Inch says at a pinch it could have been the French Unless it was the malcontents who kill people with bombs With their weird intense convictions and their cod-religious songs Murder in the village, conclusions crowd anew Is anything more English than a killing with a view? Mustn’t grumble, I suppose, we ought to carry on Murdering and murdering ’til everybody’s gone Sunset on the empire, sunset on the state Reality is stretching now, it must be getting late If the killer strikes tomorrow he is sure to strike tonight Will the last living Englishman please turn off the light? The vicar’s at the slaughterhouse, Inch is watching Morse The gypsies are assembled in the dell beyond the golf course But Sir Roger, as he falls asleep, is having an idea Of course, he thinks, I’ve been a fool, I see what’s happened here! Everybody did it, no cause for alarm Is anything more English than the cricket of self-harm? For everybody’s sake we cannot carry on Murdering and murdering ’til everybody’s gone
2.
Panathenian 03:40
3.
Make Way 02:18
Make way, make way for more of the same Like it, lump it, nothing's going to change Raise your hat to a system with no name No escape and nobody to blame Stamp your foot, have a tantrum if you must But my song is a source that you can trust De facto democracy is gone All screwed up, move on Can you feel some change is blowing in? Nor can I, but no need to be grim Stamp-collecting, tennis, macramé These are joys that never go away So stamp your foot, have a tantrum if you must But this song is a source that you can trust De facto democracy is gone Old spilt milk, move on Send the army in, close the papers down Always promised I'd retake the town Courts are mine, the judges are corrupt Stand before them and good luck! Make way, make way for more of the same Like it, lump it, nothing's going to change But believe me, I never act from spite All I do is anything I like Stamp your foot, have a tantrum if you must But my song is a source that you can trust De facto democracy is gone Old spilt milk, move on
4.
The European 03:28
Praha, Paris, Stuttgart, Milan Barcelona, Porto, Bilbao, Berlin Hamburg, Brussels, Las Palmas, Budapest Edinburgh, Bratislava, Amsterdam, Trieste The European, The European Vienna, Copenhagen, Stockholm, Rome Warsaw, Geneva, London, Cologne Riga, Odessa, Aleppo, Bucharest Istanbul, Dublin, Skopje, Budapest Who changed the wine into water again? Who drank the wine from the watering can? Who changed the wine into water again? Who threw the wine in the sea? Beirut, Tel Aviv, Asmara, Isfahan Gaza, Cairo, Tripoli, Oran Rimini, Split, Dusseldorf, Turin Strasbourg, Manchester, Helsinki, Rotterdam The European, The European Den Hague, Rostock, Athen, Marseille Madrid, Frankfurt, Lille, Montpellier Beirut, Tel Aviv, Asmara, Isfahan Gaza, Cairo, Tripoli, Oran Who changed the wine into water again? Who drank the wine from the watering can? Who changed the wine into water again? Who threw the wine in the sea?
5.
Beyond the things I know I want lies everything I want How wonderful to ride upon an electronic swan Too much of a good thing can still be a good thing Speaking without judging, hearing myself say The day plus all my thoughts about it is still the day Old forms of obedience slip the grasp of sense This is the place to which he is coming This is the table at which he will sit Here will be his actual body If he should not come I cannot bear it Yet somebody must be seeing him now Everything plus one more thing equals everything There can be no permissions for pleasures still unknown Don't be so hard on yourself, break yourself at dawn Somebody must be seeing him now His actual body This is the table at which he will sit This is the place to which he is coming If he should not come This is the place
6.
Midas 04:36
Midas, the king with the golden brain My lust is also my pain In Babylon, people are swung And rung like bells Your heaven on earth Is our hell My life doesn't mean anything The people I loved, the people I killed Hang like flowers on a string I drink golden wine Eat golden bread Give golden head The sickening crush Of metal on flesh Hangs heavy as lead Midas, your totally putrid power Disguises your murders as flowers Logic is gone In Babylon Where we live now Clanging like bells Dancing like swells Around your sacred cow He gave us the gun The king with the golden brain He says we've got to shoot someone Or break someone or marry someone Make someone feel our pain The tongues in your bells The blood in your wells The guilt in your throne We ejaculate Mechanical hate Into your golden phone Midas, the king with the golden brain Spiders are vastly more sane They live in their webs Watching their eggs With six or eight eyes Spin in the sun Killing no-one Or just a few flies
7.
British 02:39
Here in this postcard I want to tell you What I never could to your face Because I'm British, reserved I hope you're happy I hope that you are being served Sometimes I feel so British, if you please So British, if you please, I'm turning Japanese Whoops, tsk tsk, dot dot dot The weather's stormy here in Osaka Stiff upper lip and all that kind of thing Note to self: do buck up I feel so strange here I feel so far away from everything I'm running out space again So much to say I'm signing off now I hope you're chipper, toodle pip Do try to keep in touch Keep your dander up Sometimes I feel so British, if you please So unreal I'm almost Japanese Whoops, PS, I forgot Do I miss you? Not a lot
8.
Mosquito male, you’re a gentleman, sir You don’t bite flesh, you live on flower nectar It’s your bloody wife with her tongue in my leg Taking all my blood to make her eggs Your vampire wife is out of control Sucking my soul Mrs Mosquito sucks, Mrs Mosquito goes What she does with my blood, God only knows I don’t feel a thing as the tongue sinks in But in the twinkle of an eye the itch begins Your vampire wife Mr Mosquito Is out of control Mrs Mosquito loves when the cool wind blows Slides through the air, then down she goes Moschino top, Cosabella below Out comes the tongue, and through my clothes Your vampire wife Mr Mosquito Sucks my soul Wanna whack her with a slipper, gotta to catch her first With her whining voice she’s a late night curse When I’m falling asleep she will sing her song Then comes her tongue, and the night is long I'm falling asleep, she's singing her song And the night is long I'm falling asleep, she is singing her song And the night is long Your vampire wife Mr Mosquito Sucks my soul
9.
The gods came to Sichuan The gods declared their plan To destroy Sichuan I'm so good but I've been bad I'm so sappy I've been had Hoping for a glimpse of something fine The classical atrocities I studied at the dump Belonged to my oppressor all the time And when the gods came down to Sichuan The gods declared their plan If they could not find one good person in Sichuan They would destroy the dam And thus destroy Sichuan There's a money sum for every personal injury Here at 1-800-I-CAN-SUE This is how the great city of Mahagonny fell We may have a downfall right for you Remaindered books and records The murdered possibilities The tragic disappearance we enact Recapping the achievements Of the yellow hunter monkeys Whose genome is regrettably inact And when the gods came down to Sichuan The gods declared their plan If they could not find one good person in Sichuan They would destroy the dam And thus destroy Sichuan And the gods were in disguise You had to shade your eyes They seemed to throw a light And everywhere they went People would repent for a while
10.
Trump 03:19
I've got nothing but Mr Trump I'm no threat to your system I ape the swells in their parking garages But down in the park at midnight I don't think like a victim A class in itself will never be A class in itself for me I'm too busy aping swells Mr Trump siree And my objective interests Are your interests too We're aboard this Hindenburg together Mr Trump it's me and you We don't have time to drink cheap wine With the new precariat We're all for swigging dream champagne In our dream top hats Cos it's bull and bear Water, air The market is a force of nature Privatise the land, the skies Mr Trump we'll be happy ever after I've got nothing but I shall dine On the crumbs from your table Trickledown made this town But we will be in the Hudson Because we are not able A class in itself will never be A class in itself for me I tip my no top hat When you flip your no tip I dream we work on Wall Street Dream we made a pile I dream we comb the same receding hairstyle Donald, it's the style We don't have time to drink cheap wine With the new precariat We're all for swigging dream champagne In our dream top hats Cos it's bull and bear Water, air The market is a force of nature Privatise the land, the skies Mr Trump I'm doubled up with laughter
11.
Garland 04:12
I find you so glamorous Your very failure is success You became the little mouse that roared And when I'm nearly desperate When life is looking desolate Like Judy Garland you can make me soar And if you say there is a way I'll follow you the whole world through Even though I know the price to pay We'll leave the places we began Dispense with evil gentlemen Alea jacta est, so let us play The Wickedest Witch of the West Is killing me with pointlessness The neighbours and the parents and the grind I saw a Strawman in the rain His friend the Tinman was in pain The brain, the heart and courage left behind (We are heterosexuals by the way But we may be the queerest people you will meet all day) And I find you so glamorous My feelings for you? Amorous Like Judy Garland you can make things fun again And if we're getting desperate If life is looking desolate We'll hitch our wagon to a fucking hurricane They're dosing me with serotonin Re-uptake inhibitors Fluoxetine is branded as Prozac The side-effects are feeling sick Dizziness, a droopy dick So now I'm drowsy yet insomniac But somewhere over the rainbow Is Berlin Or just a clean, well-lighted place Where we can start again (We're pessimistic realists in our way But we're the biggest optimists that you will meet all day)
12.
Fuck this year, fuck this pain Things will never be good again Fuck this year with a sawn-off brick Fuck this year, it makes me sick Fuck this year with the sizzle of death Fuck it 'til its final breath Fuck this year from the bottom to the top Fuck this year until it drops Fuck this year of the gibbering creeps Fuck this year until it weeps Well fuck this year, this horrible corpse Fuck its scuttling cockroach walk Fuck this year with its gibbering lies Fuck this year until it dies Fuck this harvest, fuck this toll Fuck these people who have no soul Well fuck this world in a wobbling fall Fuck this year, the worst of all, well Fuck this populist oligarchy Stop hacking in and stop spying on me Fuck the leaders and fuck their sheep Fuck the whole rusty scrapheap Fuck this year, yes, that's the gist Bum this year with a buggering fist Well bugger this year with a Christmas log Shove this year in a gulping bog Melt this year like candlewax Before something even worse attacks Fuck your Brexit, fuck your Trump They stink worse than the spunk of a skunk Fuck this year with a killer fist Make this year unexist All things nice, sugar and spice All things nice, sugar and spice Be taken away from my enemy Fuck this year from me Fuck your side, you were wrong We were right, you'll find out When it's too late The year of hate Fuck this year, this horrible corpse Fuck its scuttling cockroach walk Fuck this world in a wobbling fall Fuck this year, the worst of all
13.
Why do we do what we do in the dark Why do the cows go moo and the dogs all bark Why did the beasts go two by two into the ark Why do we walk with no conscious intention So frequently here in the park? Pure selfishness Why do I sing what I sing in this song Why do the flowers grow weak and the weeds grow strong Why did Faye Wray love the hideous monster King Kong Why do we suffer and smother each other The answer's been clear all along Pure selfishness I used to wonder what makes the world go round I no longer wonder what makes the world go round Selfishness is all we need What turns the world is greed For love For love Why do we do what we do in the dark? For love Be like the animals, be like the birds and the bees Be like the blossom that falls to the grass from the trees Push your excitement on up to its selfish release The whole of the law will be Aleister Crowley's "do what you please" Pure selfishness Pure selfishness
14.
Charm School 03:11
When your legs give way beneath you And your body wobbles Yet you think this great disaster Spells the end to all your troubles You’ve been charmed You’ve been harmed By someone with a certain smile Why not earn Why not learn The skillset of that crocodile Charm school Smooch your way to a free place in it Charm school Seduction has no earthly limit Yes, it is unfair But we’ve got to get you up there Charm ensures survival Get one over on your rival Charm school Where men learn to capture women Charm school Lesson one: the Stockholm Syndrome Bypassing free will A communicable skill Charm is your survival Get one over on your rival Are you really in control of Everything you do? Are you really rational Or are desires controlling you? Raise your voice? Is that a choice Or what some bold Lothario taught you? They’re so charming So alarming So bold and so disarming Charm school Oops, the bastards closed us down now Charm school We were poised to take this town now But they say we pissed On the right of buggers to resist Seduction is the rival Of a world that hates survival
15.
My Rose 03:27
My rose has a thorn in the eye of its teeth I'm rolling down the hill Rolling in the sun My rose has a sigh in the side of its eye Earth is turning and the earth is burning My rose is falling through the cobwebs of an eye Everlasting sigh Oh why, oh why, why do we die? My body's flying and the cobweb is dying And weeds crowd the hall And the geese they are flying O rose, caught in the spider's web Sign of impending night Sign of impending sighs O rose, why do you droop so On my window, oh woe Oh God knows O rose, oh why Why do we die? "Then had we time enough? Ten thousand multiplied by Ninety-nine thousand Nine hundred and ninety-nine All over the world and all over time Is not endless The difference between dead and living" (Borges)
16.
I cat my hair It made me beautiful I cat my hair It looked unbelievable I took my scissors in hand I cat my hair without a plan Now I'm a space invader And you're my roller blader I cat my hair But not for you, my love I cat my hair To make me fresh and new, my love Around me everywhere I go People follow shooting photos I don't care if they stare Because this haircat makes me happy Whoever thought that such a little thing Could make me feel so happy So happy, so happy Completely happy So I'm the space invader And you're my roller blader I cat my hair Right now I feel reborn I cat my hair My look is ripped and torn Staring at me in the mirror Is some crazy punky singer And I just think, wow wee Looking at it makes me happy It's such a little thing But it has changed my life and made me Happy, so happy, just happy Completely happy
17.
Idolatry isn't what it used to be Not since they miniaturised God, you see Kid's got talent like my bed's got styrofoam I know it's true, I've seen it on my telephone Tommy's talent is the spoken word He takes a diamond, turns that jewel into a turd Turns that jewel into a turd The stars are out tonight We have been robbed of light The ordinary isn't where it used to be Since it became the new extraordinary Maggie Thatcher, no relation Does melisma like vibration She can string a syllable So far it's criminal The stars are out tonight We have been robbed of light Jackie's face is long Her ten seconds of fame are gone And now I hear she is A scientologist We have been robbed of light The stars are out tonight The stars… We have been robbed of light The stars are out tonight The stars are out tonight We have been robbed of light
18.
We are the superstars of Bollywood We dance the Technicolor bomb So much to feel, passion so real In the mountains of Assam When we dance, we dance in Bollywood I'm always cast at your side You're India's number one star I'm your lover and your bride I was the biggest fool in Bollywood You had a girl on the side Some stupid floozy you met on a movie A move you should never have tried We are the superstars of Bollywood Though we are dying inside I smile as though charmed To lie in your arms I'd rather commit suicide Putting on my makeup in my dressing room My tears fall into the sacrificial wine Will I be sick when I sing to the prick Who has ruined my life: "Be mine!" We are the superstars of Bollywood We dance the Technicolor bomb So much to feel, passion so real In the mountains of Assam Of Assam…
19.
It's a slippery life When even Mr Sherlock Holmes Is outrun by developments And wanders lost at 3am Without his pipe And Watson nowhere to be found Grasping for the truth An old syringe It's a slippery life When love and love alone, it seems Can stand between your sanity And something strange and frightening And the madman at the salad bar Disrupts the peaceful kitchen Grabs the plastic knife Makes to slice a throat It's a slippery life When love and love alone, it seems Can stand between your sanity And something strange and frightening And the madman at the salad bar Disrupts the peaceful kitchen Grasping for the truth An old syringe It's a slippery life
20.
Perfecto 04:00
I threw wine in the face of nothing Torture me or let me be Sold my mind to a higher power Sold my soul to glory Someone locked me in the bathroom Of the dirty mausoleum All I do is watch TV Stranded in the blue museum You seemed to think it was hard to stay in touch After a night of TV you cried too much You seemed to think that the change would do me good I'd like to help but then both my arms are Made of wood or made of stone Can't you use the telephone? Can't you even talk to me? Is your tongue a piece of seaweed Mozart came to visit me At 8 o'clock on Sunday evening All we did was watch TV But I found it so revealing When I made a mountain range Pardon me, I was a sinner It was with a razor blade White powder and a mirror You left me here in the bathroom years ago I watched the tears of a clown through years of snow The years of snow were a board game I could play I cut my hair but my face looks old Today your birthday's come along and still You stream the tape at the speed of the perfect kill A certain kiss has replaced a certain smile You turn me off when the lights are on You left me here in the bathroom years ago I watched the tears of a clown through years of snow The years of snow were a board game I could play You turn me off when the lights are on Back to life and back to glory Did you say you'd like to share me? With the pig and with the monkey You turn me off when the lights are on Thugs like you are hard to beat But you've got a lovely granny If you like I will repeat I think you've got a lovely fanny

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This is a Bandcamp-only compilation of remakes, outtakes and misshapes from the last decade or so of Momus.

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released January 5, 2024

Momus

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Momus Berlin, Germany

Momus is "the David Bowie of the art-pop underground" (The Guardian). "Behind all the scoffing defiance there wafts something dark, too" (Die Tageszeitung). "There's a tone all the way through his work of a slightly aloof and superior being smiling cruelly at the foibles of human nature" (Stuart Maconie, BBC Radio). ... more

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